I developed comedic laryngitis.
Yes, I lost my voice. The one that has faint - VERY faint - echoes of Erma Bombeck and Dave Berry in it. I found it years and years ago as a stay at home mom with four kids, a husband whose career and interests kept him out of the house a lot, and a brain that felt it was going to mush from too much Barney, Sesame Street, and Pocahontas (Disney animated version). I took the minutiae of our lives, added a dash of sarcasm, sprinkled it with simple literary techniques, and garnished it with fun. I used email to carry my voice - mostly to our parents, who loved hearing about their precious grandchildren.
Then my marriage was over. The voice disappeared. It was covered up by thick layers of anger, bitterness, martyrdom, and self-righteousness that repeated themselves like lasagne. Depression was the sauce that penetrated every bite. I overdosed on that acrid dish for years. I even served it to my children a time or two.
I finally realized that acrid dish was poison and I threw it out. Oh, all right, I kept a small amount in the freezer and occasionally microwaved a small piece for myself every now and then... And one day I thought I was ready to move on. I listened to my favorite band and waited to let love in. I threw away the leftover poison. And waited for the voice to return.
Well, it wasn't love and what the cat dragged in was a big rat in a cheap disguise that fooled only me. After finding the truth and taking out the trash, I was thankful there was no poisonous lasagne lurking in my freezer. After some months I started to feel better. I started to hear the voice again. The voice came in ideas or themes, but not complete messages. Then one day it was back in full volume before it disappeared again. One day... really?! I guess the joke is on me.
I have decided to continue to look for humor throughout my day. Humor has always been one of my favorite ways of seeing the world. If I can't find it within, I will find it outside of myself. It's time to go to the library, check out videos on YouTube, watch TV and movies, and listen to the conversations of others. I know that as I read and listen to other people, my voice will have something to say back to them. And to me.
